Fighting.....

For the past two or three years I have written about something so devastating to my marriage that I am surprised that this union still exists. Today I write with a whole new sense and purpose. I write because I see advertisements on the internet and television regarding marital fighting and I wonder if my marriage has gone wrong. The truth of it, is yes. I think my union is doomed because I just do not get along with my wife. She is a great woman and I do not say that because I have a love for her. I say that because I truly think that she means well for society. She is a wonderful mother and a hard worker. She takes care of everyone before herself. I know this because she often sacrifices herself to take care of me. One cannot possibly understand falling in love with someone and then actually having to take upon those vows by staying through sickness and in health.
The truth is, 5 years ago I made a horrible decision. I decided to marry a woman who was strong willed and fought everything. I at the time thought this was a good idea and embraced our differences dually. I sit here before you today trying to spill the news on how difficult this has been for me. Every day she comes home and fights. Every day I come home and do nothing. I am depressed, she is depressed and it is because we are being forced to stay together because we took some verbal vows. I sometimes wonder if I am really an athiest because I rarely go to church and I do not really care about god. If this is so, then why am I trying to uphold a heavenly vow that I made five years ago. For what purpose am I still trying to be in a relationship? I have no idea and I wish I knew. I am not on the brink of divorce but I am wondering if I should be.

Here I am a again

Once again, I find myself hiding from the hundreds of people viewing my blog on Facebook. I love writing for the masses, but there are things that people would not understand. Things that make me and for the people who know me only on Facebook, they are the things that seem my bedrock.
If you know me, you know that I am impulsive and a quick decision maker. I take the best possible decisions that I have in front of me at that moment and decide. I by no means am a wait and see kind of guy. I guess running a business as the CEO would be either make or break with me at the helm. Today though, I pondersomething else so great that it may change who I am.
As I stood in the net tonight waiting for the puck to be shot at me, I thought about how much I enjoy the game. At that time, I was not enjoying anything. I was simply standing and waiting. This was not like when I was on team red and stood, and stood and stood. This was like me getting quite a few shots and still standing. I doubt I am sad over the large amount of goals I let in each game. It's more along the lines of am I happy?
Well everyone, the answer is no I am not. Years ago, before the Army, I loved snowboarding so much that it consumed me. I would use whatever time and money I had to devote myself to snowboarding. If I could not make it to the ski hill, I went to the sledding hill. From this alone, you should be gathering that I find certain things and obsess about them for long periods of time. Well I think that time has come, and now it is fading.
When I moved to Colorado, I was in snowboarding heaven. I have every single great hill you can think of. Then one day, another sport that I enjoyed in high school came to me: hockey. I embraced hockey and kicked snowboarding to the curb. I obsessed for about 2 years and I think I am having a withdrawl now. Things don't seem to be as fun anymore. Winning is not as cool. I go to the gym and I think I have more fun at the gym than I do at hockey games. Hell, the only reason I started going to the gym was to get in shape for hockey. How could it be that I end up liking the gym more than hockey? Whats worse, what'll happen when and if this gym idea fades away?
I have come to this mini-conclusion because my family is away in Wisconsin. They are visiting relatives and I miss them. I have realized life's great things and hockey is just another activity. There are more things to life than just hockey. I want to be the best at whatever I do, and if that's not hockey then what is it?
I thought writing would be it, but as it turns out I do not like writing for a career. Pay is shitty plus people are assholes. You can make someone famous quick, but they are usually dickheads getting there. Anyone who knows the saying 15 minutes of fame has probably not heard about the 30 minutes of getting ready for it.
At this point, my best option is to stick with hockey. But everyone should know that I am getting bored.

The June heavy weights

Every June, it seems that I write ten or so blogs. Then for the rest of the year, I begin tapering off until November hits and I stop all together. I think that stop has something to do with hockey starting. Hell, I think the start of my blog writing takes place because hockey has ended. It would seem very plausible for me to be a writer only when hockey is not on. Maybe I should be a hockey writer.

There is also another statistic that I uncovered during my blog looks. Every July I have marriage problems. Every July, I write about them and all of a sudden things get put back under the rug again. This year is going to be different from the last two years. Two years ago I wrote a blog titled "a fatal error" or something to that effect. When I wrote that article, I was referring to a situation that I had put myself in. I was pissed at my wife for leaving my computer charger at her friends house. The night went really bad, as the blog goes into detail. Last year I wrote a similar blog about a similar problem. Not really something to do with my computer, but more of a chilling situation that caused a huge argument. My wife moved out for a week and life was not going well. This July could be even worse. I believe firmly that my wife and I spend too much time together resulting in these arguments. We piss each other off to the point where it becomes formal to remark sarcastically to the other persons idea's.

This year, we have a child and things could really reach the tipping point. One of my strongest arguments for supporting this unfortunate statistic is the level of blogging that I do in July. During July I write about five blogs. For the past two years each July has been full of the same crap that has covered me from the July before. I cannot seem to grasp the reason for our fighting other than the fact that we met through distance and the close personal time during the summer weighs in too much.

This year I believe that I have a plan though. I think I might be able to get through the summer by taking more time away from my wife than spending with her. I know that sounds harsh, but in reality I must do it in order to maintain a healthy relationship. The key to any relationship lasting is to know your limits. My Grandmother-in-law once said the key to a healthy long lasting relationship is to not talk much. She is right about that. Annoying your partner too much could lead to fighting, another problem in my marriage.

I plan on going boating, fishing and doing anything I can to get out of the house. I will spend as much time as possible with my daughter, but I must focus on the key ingredient that makes this relationship two people; myself. Yes, I know that sounds conceded but if I do not focus on myself my wife will end up focusing on both of us. We both must bring something to the table that will benefit the relationship.

For now I will leave everyone with that. Follow me on twitter and be sure to retweet this.

Please help me, don't leave me

This is probably going to be a recurring blog title for the month's to come. I have demons which I chose not to face. They are haunting me like the mid day sun on an almost dead piece of grass. I am watered down in secrecy because I cannot face publicly what is happing privately.

My marriage is sinking and it is not going well. I have kept off of facebook for this part of my life because too many people close to me read those blogs. I guess the only way to vent is in a semi private world where only those who could care less are my twitter friends.

I am about to be a father. This is the most exhilarating feeling in the world. Someone will be looking up to me for guidance. They will ask questions and my answers will come from my past. A past where I had to work for everything and nothing was given to me. Unfortunately, the opportunity to be more than just a per se father is fading fast.

I cannot stand my mother in law. She is the devil and I really want nothing to do with her. It's not just her bi-polar disorder that is bothering me, it's her attitude in general. Before this crisis of a new child in my life came to be, there was the wedding. Before that, everything seemed to go so well. So in that thought, I will start from the beginning and try to covertly understand where everything went wrong.

Six years ago, or sometime around there, I was surfing the internet trying to keep myself occupied in Iraq as an uneventful superbowl played on. No ads were allowed so only the most diehard fan would be watching this viewing in Iraq. It was on this long night that I happened to say hello to someone. That someone is now my wife. We chatted and talked for about two hours. I was tired at the end of those two hours, but I could have gone on. She had to leave because a test was on the horizon and a study group was in session.

We parted our keyboard ways that night and I never really thought anything of it. Two days later, she popped up on my messenger and said hello. Now we both had initiated conversation and this became a friendship.

Several months later, my deployment had ended; our relationship did not. I had invited her to dinner when I came back. She accepted and I drove to her dorm. I met many of her friends and a good time was had by all. As the night came to a close, she invited me to her friends wedding in her hometown the following week. I accepted.

When I arrived in her hometown, the first person I met was the now pronounced devil. She didn't have horns then. She was nice. She offered me a glass of water and chatted with me as if we knew each other for a long period of time before that. Later that night, my friend and I went to the wedding. It started okay, but I crossed a line that I did not know about. I talked with her ex boyfriend. When I mean ex, I mean way ex like when she was in high school. Since that time she had an engagement which was broken off due to the other partners infidelity. So I thought that talking to her ex boyfriend was okay since he was far off in the past. I guess not. That little stunt cost me the night and my relationship with her.....or so I thought.

Waking up the next morning I once again crossed path's with her mother. I was about to say that we broke up, when she said "what did you say". I just blabbered something about the night and she asked if we had a good time. I replied yes and the day moved on. My now friend dropped me off and said that she enjoyed most of our time together. She left and I went back to Germany.

I came back on another leave and she asked if she could see me. Needless to say, I said yes and we were back together in two days. In the remaining 5 days I got to know her very well. I also met many members of her family.

Then I realized that I cared for her. I invited her to an all expense paid trip to Germany. I footed the bill and flew her out to see me for an Army ball. After some scheduling issues on behalf of the airline, the night went well. She even told me that she loved me. I was impressed because we both felt the same way. The magic was in the air and everything was bright.

I came home for one final leave before I had to change duty stations from Germany to Colorado. During this time, I was invited to Thanksgiving. Out of nowhere, her mother bought me clothes and all sorts of things for Christmas gifts. I was impressed for only being the boyfriend. The next day I went down to my girlfriend's home town and asked her father for permission to marry her. We talked and he said yes. I got the same reception from her the next day. Four days later, our parents met at a dinner in her college town. This was the first and last time that our parents would meet on good terms.

We got married two months later in a civil ceremony and I deployed to Iraq again. After a year of hell with deployment crap and being away from my fiance, I came back. We scheduled a renewal of vows in front of our family later that year. This was the first time that her mother would break out the devil horns.

The problem brewed early in the day when my best man and cousin was talking about drinking. At the time, he was 18 and clearly underage. I felt that he could drink because his father was there and would allow him as well as my credentials of paying for the hall. Her mother disagree'd and walked away. She stormed off like a little kid and left me wondering what happened.

The next couple of hours are pretty hazy for me because they were spewed with hatred. I found my best man calling my soon to be mother in law a bitch and my mother in law trying to persuade my wife not to marry me(even though we were already married). The hatred was everywhere, I felt it.

The wedding was going fine up until the best man speech. I had spoken to my mother in law to be civil at the wedding and just let us have fun. Then my cousin talked about me four wheeling at his house. He mentioned that I had done some four wheeling while being late for the rehearsal dinner the night before. The truth is that I only sat on the four wheeler waiting for my cousin to get out of his house. That pissed my mother in law off and it was on. By the end of the night, you could see her hatred. Especially when my mother left early because she had to take care of my grandmother. Not cool in my books at all. That made the mother in law pull out her horns fully and even a glimmer of a pitch fork. Yeah, that was bad.

The next bad move was her calling us on our honey moon and telling us that they were getting a divorce because of my wife's decision to marry me. Childish, I know.

Not much has happened since this time because our families have stayed apart. Now though, we have a baby coming..and baby means baptism. The wife's hometown is going to get the nod again and my family will do the whole shebang all over.

My mother in law is pissed because of my family coming down and now things are really getting heated up. I am almost at a crossroads at what I should do. Divorce my wife and never see my child again so that way I do not have to see my bitch mother in law, or just divorce my wife and try to have a relationship...I don't know. I don't even know that a divorce would help, but it sure seems like a mighty good idea.

I need help and it seems so far away. The things that I want have changed, but it seems the person that I was to my wife has not. I cannot escape that nice bodied person that I once was. The military kept me in shape and now I am not in any sort of good shape. I don't know what to do. So please, stay with me. I don't want to be left alone.