First I want to thank NBC for the Dateline show which was about bullying. I watched about 5 minutes of the 1 hour show and was almost in tears. Not because I felt for the victim, but because I am a eating, sleeping victim of bullying myself.
Bullying has always been a problem for me. (I hope you bear with me during this blog, because tears are going to roll) My father was a deadbeat drunk, and my mother had cognitive development issues which sent me to school with nothing. Everyday I had something new to learn. I didn't have a father to teach me how to fish. My mother soothed herself by rocking in a rocking chair for hours on end listening to music on her tape player. She wouldn't let me outside because it would be inconvenient to have to remember where I was. It's also worth noting that most young boys get in lots of trouble if left unsupervised. That game of football can quickly turn into something bad.
My bullying started in 4th grade. But before I go to 4th grade, I want to go to 3rd grade. That's where this story begins. I had behavioral problems due to having a mother who was easily manipulated. I could tell her whatever I want and get away with about anything because she wanted the easiest way to stay in her rocker. My school was running out of options on how to keep me and only one school existed in town which would be able to handle my behavioral issues. The last attempt at keeping me was signing me up for a pen pal program. A regular student at another elementary school and I became pen pals. We talked, and wrote each other at least once a week. I had an imaginary friend who wouldn't leave me. This person could never bully me because he didn't know me.
This pen pal relationship lasted for about 4 months. It was great. But because I never had my mother tell me no, I developed another behavioral issue: stealing. It started small, but grew bigger. This was until the school bookstore came to town. All of the other children were buying books and toys and fun things. My mother didn't have any money so I couldn't buy anything. It hurt. Not because I actually wanted something, but because I wanted to be accepted. By buying something of my own, I would be in the group. So one day I stole from the book store. I didn't just steal, I pillaged. I took probably 13 books, at least 5 posters, dozens of pens and more book markers than I knew what to do with. The total value was probably somewhere near $50.
There were supposed to be checks on how the items were taken out of the book store, but due to my enhanced stealing skills I got everything out. I got it all the way home. My mother looked at what I bought and knew something wasn't right. That's when she did the best thing she ever could have: she made me return the stolen items. I returned all of the posters and 3 of the books. 10 books I had hidden and I still have them to this day. Nobody except my mother and I knew I stole the books. When my mother and I went to the principal to return the books, there was a look of disappointment. The principal called the gym teacher and I remember playing basketball with awesome colored balls.
The time seemed like forever, but I was only a 3rd grader. The conversation that was going on was to tell my mom that this was the last straw. I was going to be kicked out of my school and sent to a different school. I guess she pleaded with them, but doing the right thing cost her this time.
I was given the final two months of school off and had to do weekly homework from my teacher.
Then 4th grade came and with it a new school. I was in a special needs class. At the time I was mixed in with people like myself and with students who had real disabilities. Some in wheelchairs and some who couldn't write because of cerebral palsy. One day in class I got to see that old pen pal of mine. I said hello when introduced, but the boy who was my supposed friend knew that I just came from the special needs class. I was a problem.
The teacher spoke to him and at lunch I sat by myself. Until my former pen pal joined me. I was scared. I made growling sounds so they would go away because I didn't know what to say. No one had ever talked to me like a friend before.
I can tell you that this day, and that moment was one of the worst of my life. From that point forward, I never had any friends. I don't mean this metaphorically. I mean it literally. Never in years 4-12 did I have any friends. In fact, I had one person come to my house from my grade in that entire time. He only came to try and get me sold on some CD purchasing plan. When I didn't buy, I never saw him again.
To this day, I have no friends in that town. All that remain are my mother, aunt, uncle and cousin. If it doesn't resonate with you what bullying does, then this might: At my wedding I didn't have any friends either. My best man was my cousin. Two of the other 3 groomsmen were my wife's siblings. The other was my other cousins husband who I had never met.
To this day I cannot make friends and it hurts.
