Why, please tell me

One cold day in December, I was sitting at my Paulaner work desk when KH came down and said she left her notice. I was shocked. So was Teresa. Then she went on vacation and came back with 4 days left. Her last day she brought her dog in. She left with her belongings and her dog. I never talked to her again.

On another cold day in December, I was walking on the 2nd floor walkway when I saw KP get her first phone screen. Her hair was in a bun. She was so excited to talk to the screener.

I don't want this to be true. I don't want this to happen again.

Unfortunately it is happening, and unfortunately I'm experiencing this all again.

I don't want to experience losing a close friend. Who can ever replace Kayla? Who?

I'm lost over a girl that I cannot have. I'm lost over a girl who's moved on and will likely never talk to me again.


So why, please tell me why can't I just forget about her. Why does she have to live in my head?

If I knew the answers, and the things that made these questions tick then I could leave in peace. I deserve that much.

Almost Goodbye, Kayla

It's January 9th 2019. Hard to believe that I'll be 36 this year. Hard to believe that in the last 4 years I've fallen for two work friends. Both will end up quitting.

One stayed on my heart for a long time. Kelly Heppner. I couldn't get over her loss. I'd watch her instagram profile and just tear up at the friend I'd lost. I'll never forget her leaving the doors of Paulaner. That was one hell of a sad day, and one that I though I had gotten past.

2 years later I found myself attached to another girl, Kayla Pullano. God she is just gorgeous!!! A true specimen of beauty, and like Kelly, is in a long term relationship with someone she really loves.

I hope that in 6 months I can look back at this blog. I'm pretty sure that when I do, those feelings for Kayla will be gone. I'm pretty sure our entire friendship which consists of work talk, two times meeting her husband and family, and 1 time at a basketball game will all be a package of the past. I might be wrong, but these things never last.


Kayla, I love you. I can't tell you this, but I've fallen for you. Today I cried on my drive home just thinking of my impending lost friendship. I'll never forget when you told me to think before I speak.

There is no real way to get you off my mind. I hope something happens that we can be friends. It's just going to suck not having you at work. No more lunches. No more coffee, and no more thoughts of me wanting to have sex with you.

I hope to read this on 6/9/19. Maybe then I can put some perspective on this.

Shes Gone: Part 3

The date was September 19th 2018. There I was in a meeting. Invited to go on a walk by you. Prior to that time, I only knew you from quick walks from my cubicle to yours. On that day you sent me your phone number in a work email. You asked me to text or email you back on the walk you had put together. I decided to text you back. Looking back, I wish I would never have done that.

I knew you were beautiful. Your hair, your face, and how you dressed. You know you're beautiful by the way you walk and the way you talk.

Turns out, you became close with me. Much closer than KH ever was. I wanted that. I wanted to breathe with you, I wanted to touch you and I wanted your touch back. I didn't care about our relationship status and that's probably why I'm on a blogger account sad to say goodbye. Today is January 2nd 2019. Tomorrow, on the 3rd, you'll put in your 2 week notice. I assume your last day will be January 18th 2019. You'll go on into oblivion after that.

I remember when KH put in her notice. I was heart broken. Those 2 weeks flew by so quickly. Before I knew it, I was watching her take her dog and all of her belongings out the door. A week later I followed her instagram post as she moved out of Colorado and put finality to me never seeing her again.

So here I am with you, Kayla. Your beautiful smile, the way your lower teeth poke into your lip. Your hair, your vibes, and your beauty. Sadly, it's going away too.

Can you answer something for me? Would you have ever gone on a date with me? If the settings were different?

I'm hurt. This one hurts a lot. What's funny is that the song for KH was "What hurts the most". That was on the last day of her employment. That was it.

What hurts the most about Kayla is that I have so much to say, and I'm going to watch you walk away. Unlike KH, we had a friendship. I say had because it's based off of talking to each other at work. I say had because in 2 months, you'll be a distant memory. No longer will my phone ever ask if you want to go get coffee. Hell, I'll probably stop drinking starbucks. No longer will I have nice long walks with you. I was really looking forward to walking with you in the summer. This hurts.

So Kayla, I say goodbye to you. I say goodbye to everything you brought me. I wish I would never have texted you or pretended to get along with you. Now we are friends and that friendship is going to die.

There is a part of me that finds peace in your departure though. I never knew you as KL. I knew you as KP. That's where our relationship was. That's where it will stay. I honestly hope we see each other again.

Times I'll never forget:
Our walk where you told me you lost your ability to look at our companies boing payroll.
I'll never forget the time we went on a walk and as we were coming up the stairs you said "Because you're not a social person" as a joke.
The first time when you, Priscilla and I went to Tokyo Joes and you showed me what a Bento Box was.
The time we walked to office max and you had your hair braided.
I'll definitely never forget the first time I talked with you at your desk. You wore a low cut v neck and I could see straight down your breasts.
I'm never going to forget the time you playfully pushed me in my cubicle.
I'm never going to forget the time I hugged you after the nuggets game in the Safeway parking lot.

But I sure do hope I forget our goodbye. Because baby, she's gone.