LIFE

I want to look back on these blogs one day and say they led my life somewhere. Truth is, I don't actually read them. I just write to get my emotions out, then I publish where most would delete.

For three years now I have written annually about my marriage problems. The issues usually arise sometime in July, sometimes as late as September. However, each year they are there. Each year I write on this blog about my issue going on.

It seems to me that something about my marriage has fallen apart. Or maybe it was never there. I met my wife through the internet. I'm not quite sure if I was looking for a wife. To me it seems that I was trying to use my status as a member of the United States Army to get myself into a woman's pants. This idea was further pushed by the fact that I was serving in Iraq.

By meeting my wife on the internet, I only got to talk to her when we were both at our best. I never saw the side of her that contained her anger. She didn't see that from me either. This was a match made in heaven as I shared my life with someone who seemed to care.

Over time, the aura of living in the best times faded. I slowly began to see the side of my wife that I never saw due to our constant distance. Things started when we began to feel comfortable around each other. We could talk to one another, say things and do things because we had been together for a while. In this same moment, what we didn't realize was that we were learning about each other. We learned about what the other person does and does not like. Soon it became not about living in the good times, but about living together. All of a sudden I had to go from living a life with an attractive nice mannered woman to living my life with an attractive normal woman.

This learning experience has gone on for so long that I cannot remember the last time that I tried to even live in a sense of only good times. I can tell you five bad things that have happened for every good thing. Back in our early relationship, I couldn't spout a single negative comment about our relationship. I don't know if this is bad or good, but I can tell you this: I believe that it's life.

I always wonder what it would be like to get a divorce from my wife. To live the single life. I have a daughter now, so being without her would hurt me. So really to even think about this, I have to do the impossible and think about casting my daughter aside.

However, by doing all of that I can imagine the single life. Going to work, coming home. Doing what I want when I want, albeit the times that I have time with my daughter. Life would be good. I could easily go on a motorcycle ride or play hockey six times a week. I would live the unrestricted life. Also while doing this, I wouldn't have to think about my wife. She could wallow in her sorrows and enjoy the child support that she gets from me. That would be about the extent of my caring.

But then the other part comes: re-marriage. What if I meet someone? What if I find out that this new person is just like my current wife. Would I really want to wake up with someone different in the morning and still deal with the same shit? I doubt it.

I'm a father now. So I cannot simply make a decision and go with it unless I figure in my child, so to be children. I couldn't live with myself if my daughter would be so far away and that her life would be fucked up because I couldn't stand my wife.

This brings up an interesting point: How would I go about getting things better in our marriage? I don't like being married for the most part, but I hate being single too. I don't think many guys will admit that they like being married. This is because we seem to think that we would make it as a single guy just like we were when we age 19. The problem is that most of those girls we saw then are now married or doing something else, maybe crack. All of the girls that are age 19 would be seen as too young. After all, us men have gotten older.

So why would I ever get a divorce? At this day in age, there are goals that I have in life. If I ever want to own an expensive house, boat or any other thing, I need to be married to do it. Not to mention that having my wife around is good for me. She keeps me in line. She's a great woman who has cared for me for many years.

This blog may have read like a manifesto for divorce, but that's not what it is at all. It's a statement of understanding that I want to make my marriage stronger and show my family love. Even if this takes compromise, I will do it.

Even if that means, doing anything for my family......

The difficulties I never expected.

Today I am writing a post. The first in a long time. I have begun to realize the downside to blogging on the internet. As you read this post, I want you to realize that this information is available on the internet forever. Someone will always have this page available. Maybe someday, someone will find it well after the account is closed.

Today is also the first day that I feel like venting on the opposite side of college. For years I have talked about how great it is to improve myself. I've learned so much, come so far. It seems like the light is at the end of the tunnel, but it really is not.

Last semester I found myself in the same situation that I have found myself today: Needing to get a minimum grade on the exam to pass the class. Last semester, I fell short on one of my classes. One that I am now repeating with a different instructor. The problem is that this semester, I again am taking this class. Again, I need a certain grade to pass. I have become doubtful of my chances in my current degree. I am so sick of studying. It's like a never ending shit show. I go to school, study, take and exam and no doubt get nothing better than a D. I'm tired of this fake "academic world". Nothing seems real. I feel like I am surrounded by stupidity at every turn.

I reference my days back in the Army. I remember how far my basic training got me: out of basic training. Once in the Army, I learned everything new. Luckily the whole training process was 6 months so it didn't really feel like I was giving all that much up for my future Army career.

College is different, way different. I find myself having spent the last 5 years doing nothing but studying. I now am at a point where I don't want to study anymore. I don't want a grade. I just want a job.

Even if that means throwing my college experience aside, I am willing to do that. I am tired of college. It's an absolute waste of my time and talents. If I pass this semester, great. If not, I really don't want to pursue college anymore. I know this is me quitting, but I have to realize when my family needs me and I need to work. I need money.


My honest hope is to pass this semester, but should that plan fail I really just want to get a job doing something other than spending my time in school.