Some days I close my eyes and think back to before I ever joined the military. I think about my high school years and everything that was not taught to me. My father was a drunk who left our family when I was 8 years old. From that point on, everything was tough.
I grew up the hard way. My mother didn't know a whole lot about the world because she spent her childhood sheltered from it. I grew up every day knowing that the odds were against me. That if I got into a fight, no one would stick up for me. If I was bullied, I didn't have the structure at home to rely on. Nobody from my household would confront a teacher or another parent to help me. It was just me. I often got into fights, just to prove that I could take the bully down.
This type of lifestyle is not the best. When I graduated high school, my options were limited. I wanted to be productive in life and give back in everything that I could. I found myself working a couple of jobs that didn't offer but minimum wage.
Then the Army happened. It's almost as if up to that point, my eyes were shut to the world. I didn't have friends, a job or anybody to turn to. Life was tough. In boot camp I quickly learned that my drill sergeants were against me. I learned that they would exploit my weaknesses and use them against me. At this point, most of the other soldiers were learning to bond together. So that when the drill sergeant came to dish out his daily screaming, he had to scream at all of us. This is when I learned to bond. I learned to work as a team. I learned that in everything I do, I can accomplish this as a team.
When I was sent to my first duty station, I used this team work ethic to get everything done. If a job required someone to be working for 32 hours straight, we built a team and created a schedule so that every strong person in the group could mentor a weaker person. This would also allow us to keep minimal staff on the job, and keep the whole organization working smoothly.
In Iraq, I used this idea again. When against the enemy, we never used our numbers. We used our teamwork. Applying everyone's greatest strength to exploit the enemies weakness. For years on end, we worked to repel the enemy and conquer being outnumbered.
We worked harder and faster to accomplish our mission. However, like the NFL players our time as soldiers can only last so long. The body wears down, and eventually so does the mind. It's not a matter of if, but when.
That exit happened for me when I was injured. I now try to find my place in life but have severe difficulties. This is because people apply the word "team work" in their job descriptions but only mean work together. I've never seen anyone rely on another person to the point that they are working like I did in the military.
Because of this, I can't seem to hold a job longer than 8 months. I relive my horrors every day and only hope that one day I will die peacefully knowing that I served. I'm not a suicidal guy, I just know that once again the odds are against me. Except this time, I don't get the chance to find something to open my eyes. I just have to live with my past.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
The Dirty Sanchez
I came up with the guts of this blog due to a recurring situation with my wife. I'm sure my situation is nothing different than what any other man experiences. It's something like this: you're in the mood to give her "X" amount of inches, and she's in the mood to roll her eyes. Then a day or two later she's all about opening those legs, but you just happened to be coming home from a 12 hour shift and want nothing better than a nice bed to sleep on, possibly a shower.
Before we begin my instructional blog, every man out there needs to heed this short poem: "Legs together are tight as a feather, legs apart and you're ready to start". This is the recipe to divide and conquer a woman's legs.
I digress, the dirty sanchez.....
So I actually first heard of this technique while in Iraq. I had a buddy who was in the Marines at one point. We were both in the Army during this story, so every time he spoke most people believed him. That is until I tried most of his non-sense.
He often gave instructions on how to "make your woman respect you" and "if you give her an inch of leeway, she'll take a mile". He spoke as if he had mastered the woman, and people (including myself) believed him. I think we believed him because most of his other stories checked out. He talked about sleeping on a roof naked in Miami and had the arrest record online. He talked about drinking too much beer and running into Tom Cruise in LA. That too was found on YouTube. One thing stuck out, and it stuck out like a sore thumb.
That thing was the dirty sanchez. He told this story like he had done the act several times before and even talked about proper wrist hinging to apply the "feathery finger touch". One day I thought about what he said and then approached him about his story. Something didn't add up. He finally confessed that he had never performed the act, but heard plenty of stories about it. So essentially he heard an Army "telephone" story. This is a story where you heard something from one person, who heard it from another, who heard a conversation over five people, who were reading something completely unrelated in a magazine.
Well young troopers, I can tell you that I have performed the Dirty Sanchez.
So here was my deal. I work in a high responsibility job these days. Nobody will get killed if I make a mistake, but plenty of people will miss out on lots of money if I screw something up. The saying "shit rolls downhill" applies to me. That hill is long and steep. Usually if I make a mistake Monday, I don't hear about it until the following Monday. That means that a whole business week has passed before I hear about an imperfection which has stopped the world, but is still fixable.
That's just part of my job. But dealing with these kinds of things daily makes me tired. My brain is fried when I get home and the last thing I want is to mingle with my wife. So I immediately go to the bedroom where I try to lay down. However, I have two children who remind me that bed time is not until 8:00 P.M.
So my sleep is further delayed. By the time I do go to bed, I'm tired. For some reason my wife thinks this is the perfect time to have a sexual encounter. This is odd considering when I don't work late hours, I'm always down for a little bump and run. Problem is, she's not in the mood.
So after I while I became annoyed with hearing her wanting sex, but she knows I'm too damn tired to do anything. So one night I decided that I would submit to her will. I'd have an encounter with her, but it would be with a twist.
I got naked and prepared for a sexual arousal. I took my middle finger and shoved it up my butt hole. This is key. The deeper you go, the more bile you get thus a stinkier finger and a better Sanchez. Then I hid my hand behind my back. This is the second key. With a stinky finger, you'll turn a woman off quickly and thus this little reminder won't work.
Next I waited for her to come in for a kiss where I told her I have a surprise for her. All she needed to do was turn around for a reverse mount. She agreed. I put my right hand on her left shoulder with my right arm going over her chest to secure her. I then told her to repeat after me: "S-A-N-C-H-E-Z". At about the C letter, I arched my finger across her top lip and quickly pulled my stink finger which applied a nice amount of stink on her top lip.
I was slapped, but the smell made her gag. I taught her a lesson. That lesson is that marriage is a two way street. You have give a little to get a little. That means giving a little fun time to me when I want it. So in turn, she got a lot of shit for all the times that she gave me a little shit.
Hope you enjoyed!
Follow @keystoneboardin
Before we begin my instructional blog, every man out there needs to heed this short poem: "Legs together are tight as a feather, legs apart and you're ready to start". This is the recipe to divide and conquer a woman's legs.
I digress, the dirty sanchez.....
So I actually first heard of this technique while in Iraq. I had a buddy who was in the Marines at one point. We were both in the Army during this story, so every time he spoke most people believed him. That is until I tried most of his non-sense.
He often gave instructions on how to "make your woman respect you" and "if you give her an inch of leeway, she'll take a mile". He spoke as if he had mastered the woman, and people (including myself) believed him. I think we believed him because most of his other stories checked out. He talked about sleeping on a roof naked in Miami and had the arrest record online. He talked about drinking too much beer and running into Tom Cruise in LA. That too was found on YouTube. One thing stuck out, and it stuck out like a sore thumb.
That thing was the dirty sanchez. He told this story like he had done the act several times before and even talked about proper wrist hinging to apply the "feathery finger touch". One day I thought about what he said and then approached him about his story. Something didn't add up. He finally confessed that he had never performed the act, but heard plenty of stories about it. So essentially he heard an Army "telephone" story. This is a story where you heard something from one person, who heard it from another, who heard a conversation over five people, who were reading something completely unrelated in a magazine.
Well young troopers, I can tell you that I have performed the Dirty Sanchez.
So here was my deal. I work in a high responsibility job these days. Nobody will get killed if I make a mistake, but plenty of people will miss out on lots of money if I screw something up. The saying "shit rolls downhill" applies to me. That hill is long and steep. Usually if I make a mistake Monday, I don't hear about it until the following Monday. That means that a whole business week has passed before I hear about an imperfection which has stopped the world, but is still fixable.
That's just part of my job. But dealing with these kinds of things daily makes me tired. My brain is fried when I get home and the last thing I want is to mingle with my wife. So I immediately go to the bedroom where I try to lay down. However, I have two children who remind me that bed time is not until 8:00 P.M.
So my sleep is further delayed. By the time I do go to bed, I'm tired. For some reason my wife thinks this is the perfect time to have a sexual encounter. This is odd considering when I don't work late hours, I'm always down for a little bump and run. Problem is, she's not in the mood.
So after I while I became annoyed with hearing her wanting sex, but she knows I'm too damn tired to do anything. So one night I decided that I would submit to her will. I'd have an encounter with her, but it would be with a twist.
I got naked and prepared for a sexual arousal. I took my middle finger and shoved it up my butt hole. This is key. The deeper you go, the more bile you get thus a stinkier finger and a better Sanchez. Then I hid my hand behind my back. This is the second key. With a stinky finger, you'll turn a woman off quickly and thus this little reminder won't work.
Next I waited for her to come in for a kiss where I told her I have a surprise for her. All she needed to do was turn around for a reverse mount. She agreed. I put my right hand on her left shoulder with my right arm going over her chest to secure her. I then told her to repeat after me: "S-A-N-C-H-E-Z". At about the C letter, I arched my finger across her top lip and quickly pulled my stink finger which applied a nice amount of stink on her top lip.
I was slapped, but the smell made her gag. I taught her a lesson. That lesson is that marriage is a two way street. You have give a little to get a little. That means giving a little fun time to me when I want it. So in turn, she got a lot of shit for all the times that she gave me a little shit.
Hope you enjoyed!
Follow @keystoneboardin
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