Dear Lord Jesus......

WOW! WHAT A DAY!


I have not been blogging much lately because I have been so busy. But sometimes I write just to see what is actually happening to me. This is one of those times. I just want to write this down and re read it over, and over, and over again.

God works in unique ways....


About a month ago, I started working at Wal-Mart. I mainly took the job to finance my childcare burden. My wife had given birth to our second child, and our daycare costs doubled. So getting a part time job was absolutely necessary to continue on with my life.

On about the fifth or sixth day, I met a man named Scott. He had just moved from the shoe department to the produce department. Scott does not look like a christian, but then again what does one look like? Scott works out every day and looks like a muscle man. Him and his wife lived in Minnesota and both have college degrees in education. At some point in Scott's life, the lord told him to move. To leave education and move west. Scott did so. Somewhere down the line, he ended up at Wal-Mart and somewhere down the line he ended up in shoes and then a couple of days before I started he ended up in produce where I currently work.


Scott told me his story. It touched me deep inside because it spoke volumes. I brushed it off because I thought that I didn't believe in God. Scott spoke about preaching on the streets while his boss is running a Wal-Mart. Kind of weird for a guy who has an education to just talk about preaching. I say this not in any ill-willed fashion but I say this because I was shocked.

A couple of weeks went by and every day something about what Scott said touched me. It was like Scott was put in my path for a purpose. I didn't know why, and I cannot explain it but it happened.

About 2 weeks ago, I woke up and had a vision out of no where that I should attend college at Virginia Tech. I have NEVER EVER thought about attending Virginia Tech. I had no idea why this thought came into my mind, but for some reason I had no anxiety about it. I again brushed off the thought, but the next day I saw Scott again. Nothing popped out to me, except that I was missing something. In fact that day I thought that I had heard an employee talk negatively about me when she was actually referring to someone else. I had a largely poor day that day and when I found out that she was not speaking of me, I knew that I was having a problem understanding things.

So there I was that night. For the first time in a while, I prayed. I talked and prayed and tried everything to make sense of my life. I asked God to guide me and help me understand why this Virginia Tech vision had come and to give me a recognizable sign. That sign came today. I was doing absolutely nothing on my shift when I looked over and watched a woman with a Virgina Tech sweatshirt pass me. I took this as a sign, but still felt a little shaky.

On my way home, I told myself and God right there that if this is real that I will need to talk to someone about it. I thought of talking with my mother right then and there. I have mocked my mother for years over her belief in God, but I knew she was the only one who would answer. The problem was that my mom usually works five days a week. But I thought, if God really wants me to move to Virginia Tech then my mom will be there to talk to.....I called and the phone rang five times. Then my mother picked up....

I knew something was up and that this meant something was real. The problem is that I cannot switch my major at my current university because my GPA is too low. Applying to Virginia Tech and getting in would be incredibly difficult. This is because I have a low GPA. The only reason that I can think of going to V-Tech is that they have a large military presence on campus.

So without further hesitation I filled out an application and sent my first of three transcripts to the school. I then called to see if I could substitute my foreign language requirement for the two semesters of sign language that I took. I found out that I could!

I'll keep this blog updated as time goes on and maybe this will turn out to be something real.

The fire ravages us all; Hurricane Debbie comes to FL and CO!

It's been one of those years. I cannot tell how my life will play out but I can surely remark on the mistakes that I have made. Some of them for the good, and some of them for the bad. I think about how difficult classes have been on me and then I think about how hard the people of the Mountain Shadows subdivision are trying to hold back tears as they tour their once humble abodes. To think that I was less than two miles away at school while these people were unknowingly losing their homes. I breathed in the smoke from their house. I tried to get to my family as fast as I could, but I never thought that while I was going to happiness, they were going to misery. And boy does misery love company.

Around the same time as the fire's in Colorado Springs, Florida was being hit hard by Hurricane Debbie (maybe tropical storm). Weather forecasters said the storm didn't go to far west according to their data, but that hurricanes can travel very far and sometimes not deliver anything but heat. That's what I was dealing with in my mother-in-law. About three or four years ago now, she came and visited my wife and I at our other house. She lasted roughly one week before the manic part set in and she was so irritated with everything. She went from loving me to hating me. I swore that I would never allow her back into my home again. I was wrong. On several more occasions I had her back here. One on one visits with my daughter and some time with my father-in-law as well. That visit went well. I soon built trust in her that by having a child she would put the past behind her. I was wrong. She turned the heat on in front of my newborn son and in front of her husband. She lavished in a room full of fire and literally rained on my parade. She came into my house and tried to tear this house apart. She failed and now I am back at step one. Back to the basics.

LIFE

I want to look back on these blogs one day and say they led my life somewhere. Truth is, I don't actually read them. I just write to get my emotions out, then I publish where most would delete.

For three years now I have written annually about my marriage problems. The issues usually arise sometime in July, sometimes as late as September. However, each year they are there. Each year I write on this blog about my issue going on.

It seems to me that something about my marriage has fallen apart. Or maybe it was never there. I met my wife through the internet. I'm not quite sure if I was looking for a wife. To me it seems that I was trying to use my status as a member of the United States Army to get myself into a woman's pants. This idea was further pushed by the fact that I was serving in Iraq.

By meeting my wife on the internet, I only got to talk to her when we were both at our best. I never saw the side of her that contained her anger. She didn't see that from me either. This was a match made in heaven as I shared my life with someone who seemed to care.

Over time, the aura of living in the best times faded. I slowly began to see the side of my wife that I never saw due to our constant distance. Things started when we began to feel comfortable around each other. We could talk to one another, say things and do things because we had been together for a while. In this same moment, what we didn't realize was that we were learning about each other. We learned about what the other person does and does not like. Soon it became not about living in the good times, but about living together. All of a sudden I had to go from living a life with an attractive nice mannered woman to living my life with an attractive normal woman.

This learning experience has gone on for so long that I cannot remember the last time that I tried to even live in a sense of only good times. I can tell you five bad things that have happened for every good thing. Back in our early relationship, I couldn't spout a single negative comment about our relationship. I don't know if this is bad or good, but I can tell you this: I believe that it's life.

I always wonder what it would be like to get a divorce from my wife. To live the single life. I have a daughter now, so being without her would hurt me. So really to even think about this, I have to do the impossible and think about casting my daughter aside.

However, by doing all of that I can imagine the single life. Going to work, coming home. Doing what I want when I want, albeit the times that I have time with my daughter. Life would be good. I could easily go on a motorcycle ride or play hockey six times a week. I would live the unrestricted life. Also while doing this, I wouldn't have to think about my wife. She could wallow in her sorrows and enjoy the child support that she gets from me. That would be about the extent of my caring.

But then the other part comes: re-marriage. What if I meet someone? What if I find out that this new person is just like my current wife. Would I really want to wake up with someone different in the morning and still deal with the same shit? I doubt it.

I'm a father now. So I cannot simply make a decision and go with it unless I figure in my child, so to be children. I couldn't live with myself if my daughter would be so far away and that her life would be fucked up because I couldn't stand my wife.

This brings up an interesting point: How would I go about getting things better in our marriage? I don't like being married for the most part, but I hate being single too. I don't think many guys will admit that they like being married. This is because we seem to think that we would make it as a single guy just like we were when we age 19. The problem is that most of those girls we saw then are now married or doing something else, maybe crack. All of the girls that are age 19 would be seen as too young. After all, us men have gotten older.

So why would I ever get a divorce? At this day in age, there are goals that I have in life. If I ever want to own an expensive house, boat or any other thing, I need to be married to do it. Not to mention that having my wife around is good for me. She keeps me in line. She's a great woman who has cared for me for many years.

This blog may have read like a manifesto for divorce, but that's not what it is at all. It's a statement of understanding that I want to make my marriage stronger and show my family love. Even if this takes compromise, I will do it.

Even if that means, doing anything for my family......

The difficulties I never expected.

Today I am writing a post. The first in a long time. I have begun to realize the downside to blogging on the internet. As you read this post, I want you to realize that this information is available on the internet forever. Someone will always have this page available. Maybe someday, someone will find it well after the account is closed.

Today is also the first day that I feel like venting on the opposite side of college. For years I have talked about how great it is to improve myself. I've learned so much, come so far. It seems like the light is at the end of the tunnel, but it really is not.

Last semester I found myself in the same situation that I have found myself today: Needing to get a minimum grade on the exam to pass the class. Last semester, I fell short on one of my classes. One that I am now repeating with a different instructor. The problem is that this semester, I again am taking this class. Again, I need a certain grade to pass. I have become doubtful of my chances in my current degree. I am so sick of studying. It's like a never ending shit show. I go to school, study, take and exam and no doubt get nothing better than a D. I'm tired of this fake "academic world". Nothing seems real. I feel like I am surrounded by stupidity at every turn.

I reference my days back in the Army. I remember how far my basic training got me: out of basic training. Once in the Army, I learned everything new. Luckily the whole training process was 6 months so it didn't really feel like I was giving all that much up for my future Army career.

College is different, way different. I find myself having spent the last 5 years doing nothing but studying. I now am at a point where I don't want to study anymore. I don't want a grade. I just want a job.

Even if that means throwing my college experience aside, I am willing to do that. I am tired of college. It's an absolute waste of my time and talents. If I pass this semester, great. If not, I really don't want to pursue college anymore. I know this is me quitting, but I have to realize when my family needs me and I need to work. I need money.


My honest hope is to pass this semester, but should that plan fail I really just want to get a job doing something other than spending my time in school.