The life I live

Wow, I have so much trouble naming my new blogs. I never find the words to connect the image that I want to replay in my head. Today it's a whole new image, the image of pushing somebody and almost regretting it. I recently watched a video of my wife skiing down loveland, and just plain skiing for the first time in 10 years. At the time I was having so much fun, so much was running through me that I couldn't take time to think about her. I remember how much fun it was to have her, but I don't remember taking an ounce of time to think about the impact this would have on her knee's. Luckily she lasted that day, and the rest of the season. I feel so touched the the sight of loving life every day that I just want to cry. I want people to read my blogs, not to make me popular, but to put an image of love and respect in their minds. I want people to sort of close their eyes and hear my keystrokes as they pen through the imaginary paper. In this case I want the smell of the Colorado pines to come out, the joy of watching my wife smile, and the anxiety of the resort closing all too soon. I want to forget my ugly war torn past and put a new foot forward, but still I find myself digging back through time. I can see the smile on my family's faces as I come home for thanksgiving, but I can also see the horror of a wife finding out her husband didn't make it through a battle in Iraq. I dig and dig but seem to come up every time with my past and trying to obsess with the future. I wish I could control it so that I had a mute button every time I wanted to see how majestic the world really is. Even if I had that, I would still end up wondering what was going on while I was pressing that mute button. Which would still lead me to finding this blog reminiscing of what was really going on while my wife and I were having such a great time on the mountain.
I'll tell you, I forgot to think about someone else besides myself.

I am so sorry little buddy(the live on anthem)

Oh dear god
with a shortness of breath and a faint of heart
this little being fell apart
it's all my fault, i'm to blame
I bow my head, and take a walk of shame
I ended a life, the one I created
oh how I wish this memory could be sedated
i'll end this now, without any drama
i'll go cry, cry to my mama

Dear little buddy,
It was an amazing 6 weeks and 3 days. You were great and I loved you every minute. Up until 3 weeks and 3 days ago that is. I became selfish and I am so sorry. I sent mommy's stress levels through the roof and ended you like a chicken egg. I feel so ashamed because I didn't just end your life, and stopped mine. Oh little son, I love you so.

Thank you,

-DAD-

Rest in peace baby

My dear Carson, or Alexandra, I am so sorry. Today, 28 august 2008 we leave you behind and venture through our lives without you. Over the past 9 weeks we have been here, but you have only been there 6. We wanted to be with you through the thick and the thin, but unfortunatley you didn't make the venture. While we wait here again, we hope that you are in a better place. A place where you will never be alone, a place where you will never die.
Enjoy heaven little buddie,
I am sorry that I never got to see you.


-DAD-

efletch

Hey,

I am beginning to think that my "vlog" on youtube has become contaminated with the comments that I am forced to post. What I mean by that, is I have set myself in a way that I cannot go back. I have found a dead space that entraps me into a one size fits all profile. I cannot get out of it because I have already made myself a part of it. If I were to delete every single video, each one of my new video's would be judged based on my past thoughts. I do like atheists, don't get me wrong, I do not like certain atheists. It's not a group, nor anyone person(except capnoawesome).
That is all.

Keystoneboardin

Iraqi Hymnal

mmmmm..... it's a good thing that I can close my eyes and type at the same time. I can feel everything around me with my senses going crazy. The army tought me to shut my senses off and create two new ones which will keep me alive. Truth be told, they did. Just like a cigarette though, they don't just turn off. I feel the sand blowing on my jeans, I see the arabs and they all seem to have guns. My ears rng from the sound of bullets flying near me. Finally my eyes water because of the intense heat and sand entering my eyes. It's a simplistic lifestyle that anyone can live....If you can handle changine your lifestyle. I remember my recruitment video which showed pictures of happy soldiers, the ones you most likely will see on t.v. What you do not know is that these soldiers have been pre screened and were probably sleeping beore posing in some serene environment for a picture. Yet our society looks down at a country like china because of their upfront image concerns. Wouldn't you rather be upfront than telling yourself a daily lie? I don't know how you feel, but this concerns me and it should concern america.
Anyways, I hope you feel a little closer to me

Atheism Sucks!

Well now, I have two youtube video's devoted to the subject listed above and no actual explanations. Well here it is. I am not able to portray myself as a person who respects the law of life while trying to make people think that I am understandable. It is just not possible for me, and if you are doing it, that is because you live a lie; either on youtube or in real life. Kinda like that chris crocker dude. This guy talks about being gay and he obviously stumbled upon a subject that would bring his hits higher than hell. Prior to his britney video, he had roughly 30 video's that all told of his transexual life. Once the britney film came out, he instantly deleted them and decided to go on a path that would make him a star. Now he devotes himself to hardcore gayness and he's even found a partner to help in with these acts. Back to the topic, I am angry with youtube atheists because they live a lie while everyone else is trying to prove a point. I don't know many other people who want to convince the world of something other than capnoawesome and the amazing atheist. Both of these guys are acts which are well received because they are entertaining more than they are making a point. You see, making a point does not sell. Only two things sell, sex and entertainment. If you combine the two, your video will be the best ever received(which is why capnoawesome has published a piece on eating pussy). I only sell the truth, and I don't even try to sell it. I put it out there for people to understand my views, yet I seem to get the subscribers who only want to rebuke me. I have yet to find a subscriber who wants to join in with me. This is very difficult because I cannot control what you think, nor do I try. There are no tricky cinematics in my video, nor are there any opportunities for me to overload you with facts so that you submit to my eventual finish. I have tried every move to make my video's popular but I have given up. I realized that most people(capnoawesome and the amazing atheist aside) try for years to make one good video. Then they live on that video for the rest of their lives. I would have to say that as of now, that video for me would be atheism sucks. I wish my first richard dawkins video would not have been deleted because it was my world, the way that evil goes when it is not confronted. I cannot truthfully say that richard dawkins is the antichrist, but wouldn't that seem accurate? I also wonder if everyone who does not believe is the antichrist. Some things don't fall correctly, but for now ATHEISM SUCKS!

Fatal Error

A fatal error according to me is an error which cannot be recovered from. An error so large in mass and capacity that it showcases every minor mistake you made. Anotherwords, a fatal error is the blue screen on your computer; the predator being eaten by the prey. This kind of error is known as a fuck-up, a snafu, yes the big one. In my case it involves my wife and I. No, I did not escort another woman to a cozy bedroom loft to service her, I made assumptions. What assumptions did I make might you ask? Well, my wife is pregnant to start this whole fiasco, and she's a very in charge woman to boot. She has been spending quite a bit of time at her friends house and I becoming worried that our marriage will not sustain with her time spent away. Yesterday I think I put gas on the fire and made every matter worse, I exploited my every flaw and I think this qualifies me as a fatal error committer. My wife came home around 11:00 from her friends with MY computer. I was given this computer to finish school and for my everyday needs since I am a disabled veteran. I need to get my assingments done, but I cannot because she is always on my computer trying to finish her masters degree. This takes so much time away that I have to revamp my scheduale to fit homework in that should be done at my liesure. After she came home, she informed me that she forgot the computer charger at her friends house. Boy oh, boy did that set me off. I scolded her right in front of my friend and she immediatley found an out by going to the garage. Five minutes later she yelled for my prescense because of he angry she was. I informed her that she needs to start taking better care of my things or she will be a single mother. The next part is debatable because she said something to me, and two hours later was trying to say she said something different. She told me that the cops were coming to get me for domestic violence if I do not leave. I left. She later said that if someone had heard me the y would be concerened and call the police, but I am not that stupid.
I am not sure what I should do. Although trying to work this out could take days, the best option may be to split. Sorry guys, I wish I could say something a little more positive, Hopefully my single life or whatever comes next will be better.
-keystoneboardin-