The end of the road for my marriage

Marriage is something that is supposed to last. If you listen closely at the next wedding you attend, the pastor will say something along the lines of “till death do you part”; to which you reply, I do. I remember these lines because I said them nearly five years ago. I looked my wife in the eye and gave her the testament of my love. Then and there I became a member of the “club” where only married couples are admitted.
Flash forward four and a half years and I am wondering how I could have said something like that with my current crisis unfolding. I have been had problems with my marriage on several occasions. Never anything large and difficult like infidelity, I always had the little things like the forgetting to purchase a new pack of smokes for my wife. Things became harder and harder to do when the person that I loved so much became so different. I say this because we all change over time. When you first get married you are like a little caterpillar waiting to form your cocoon. Your marriage never really finds any testing because of how bright your future seems. Any real problem is absorbed by the shock of being together forever. Then it all happens; your cocoon forms and everything about you is merged with your spouse. Over time, you learn that simple things become subjects for arguments while the original gasoline that sparked your love has faded. You now rely on what you have in front of you to satisfy your needs. Shortly after this, you transform into a butterfly with bright pretty colors on the outside. The inside, however, is a whole different story. If you were to dissect a pretty monarch butterfly, you would probably be appalled when you saw the simple organs inside. Chances are, after that dissection you would never look at a monarch the same way again. This is exactly how your marriage looks to other people; pretty on the outside, but relying on so many things on the inside.
Now you are probably wondering why I used all of these metaphors to describe the “art” of marriage. I guess one could say that I relate my life to a beautiful butterfly floating through the air. Everyone see’s my happy wings but they fail to realize that my stomach is growling from the pain of a recent argument. I put on my happy face, otherwise known as my wings and give everyone a show. Then one day everything hits when I land near a maple tree and become ensnared in the sap. My guts burst for everyone to see and the only way for me to survive is to snip my beautiful wings to allow my life to go on. By doing this, I show the world what my marriage is truly about and how difficult the process is. I no longer show any motivation because I cannot change what people saw while I was stuck in the sap. Never again will my colorful wings offset the carnage of my marriage. I live life for everyone to see.
In modern terms, I become useless to my spouse and a lawyer gets involved to make sure that I get to keep my part of the cocoon. Everything splits and I now realize that I will have to start the process all over again. From caterpillar to butterfly, maybe I will get screwed and end up a moth. The point is, when divorce becomes a common term in your own marriage, things are falling apart from the inside. No mediator or counselor will ever be able to charge you enough to fix your problems. You must deal with them and apply what you have learned. If you are in my shoes, you realize that it’s all over and you may have made a mistake. I have no idea if I made a mistake, but I will tell you this: I am a human and I am prone to misleading myself.
If my marriage does end in divorce, I hope that twenty years from now when I see my ex-wife doing well that I can still say we had a good four years.

Impulsive Decisions

I want, I want, I need, I need. Every day, that sentence rumbles through my head. I am an impulsive 26 year old who needs to find his way. The problem is, I cannot find a support group for my issue because there is not one. Impulsiveness has so many sub-categories that you cannot simply say that you fall into one. For example, my issue is with money yet some could say that their issue is with food. I am all alone and the only one who bears my burden is my wife. We have separate checking accounts which allows me to plunder into debt all by myself; however, I am always wanting to ring something up. Today is a classic example. I bought a boat instead of my usual fireworks show. I love fireworks and I am a certified pyro. When I was sitting in my room earlier this year, I thought about about how much a boat could be better for me than a trunk full of fireworks. I bought the boat, and now it sits because my interest lasted for two months. Today, the fourth of July, I was at my friends house with my fireworks absent. I began igniting his fireworks when I realized that I would run out of fireworks within two hours, and it wasn't even dark yet! So instead of holding off and relaxing for a while, I drove down the the fireworks stand (which the local stands are all sub-par fireworks such as fountains) and I spent $200 on an hour of entertainment.
This is my life, I cannot control it and I feel the downward spiral coming. I always tell myself that if I had one million dollars I would start a business and make more money. I think ultimately, I would be writing another blog about how I am bored with that business because it is no longer fun. I don't know what to do with my life at this point. I know that I love to write because a page of words can never be restrictive. People can interpret what they want from my blogs as I do not care what people think.
Currently, I am pondering becoming a season ticket holder to the Colorado Avalanche. I love the Avalanche as they were the very first team that I watched back in 1995. I was attracted to their jerseys and the style of play. I had just finished playing NHL '94 on my sega genesis (old I know!) when I turned the television from input to cable. The first channel to pop up was ESPN and their program, fire on ice. The Avalanche were playing the Kings and everything about the video game translated into the television game. I knew what was going on and I understood. I did not like Los Angeles' jersey scheme, but something about Colorado's took my eye. I immediately fell in love with Patrick Roy and Peter Forsberg. From then on, I would spend my nights stomping my feet on the basement floor as the Sakic and Forsberg lines shredded opposing defences. I was hooked and nothing could stop me. Well almost nothing.
During my military service, I was blacked out for most of the Avalanche games. The only time that I was able to watch their home games was when they were involved in a marque matchup. Away games never seemed to get played. I think in my six years in the service, I saw three or four games. After my first tour in Iraq, I made the decision to stay in the Army and move to Fort Carson; which happens to be in my most favorite state, Colorado. Shortly after moving, I made a list of things to do while stationed here. Go snowboarding in the rockies, go trout fishing in the awesome streams, and go to an Avalanche game. I did snowboarding the second year that I was here because of another deployment. Soon after I found myself in the waters of the North Platte river where I have only cought one fish to this day.
A whole three years later, in the year of 2009, I enjoyed my first Avalanche game. I sat in the lower bowl and thereby set my expectations for future games. Unfortunately, the lower bowl ranges from $111 per seat to $200. Quite expensive, but I have been Coloradoized. I went to two more games for a similar price and even got my picture on the jumbotron.
Now I enter my next impulsive decision. Can I afford to attend 44 home games? How bad are the seats from all the way up top? As it stands, unless there is a discount for season ticket holders, I will not be able to afford anything more than the cheapest tickets in the house. I hope that I can fanagle something so that I can see from a better vantage point.