The end of the road for my marriage

Marriage is something that is supposed to last. If you listen closely at the next wedding you attend, the pastor will say something along the lines of “till death do you part”; to which you reply, I do. I remember these lines because I said them nearly five years ago. I looked my wife in the eye and gave her the testament of my love. Then and there I became a member of the “club” where only married couples are admitted.
Flash forward four and a half years and I am wondering how I could have said something like that with my current crisis unfolding. I have been had problems with my marriage on several occasions. Never anything large and difficult like infidelity, I always had the little things like the forgetting to purchase a new pack of smokes for my wife. Things became harder and harder to do when the person that I loved so much became so different. I say this because we all change over time. When you first get married you are like a little caterpillar waiting to form your cocoon. Your marriage never really finds any testing because of how bright your future seems. Any real problem is absorbed by the shock of being together forever. Then it all happens; your cocoon forms and everything about you is merged with your spouse. Over time, you learn that simple things become subjects for arguments while the original gasoline that sparked your love has faded. You now rely on what you have in front of you to satisfy your needs. Shortly after this, you transform into a butterfly with bright pretty colors on the outside. The inside, however, is a whole different story. If you were to dissect a pretty monarch butterfly, you would probably be appalled when you saw the simple organs inside. Chances are, after that dissection you would never look at a monarch the same way again. This is exactly how your marriage looks to other people; pretty on the outside, but relying on so many things on the inside.
Now you are probably wondering why I used all of these metaphors to describe the “art” of marriage. I guess one could say that I relate my life to a beautiful butterfly floating through the air. Everyone see’s my happy wings but they fail to realize that my stomach is growling from the pain of a recent argument. I put on my happy face, otherwise known as my wings and give everyone a show. Then one day everything hits when I land near a maple tree and become ensnared in the sap. My guts burst for everyone to see and the only way for me to survive is to snip my beautiful wings to allow my life to go on. By doing this, I show the world what my marriage is truly about and how difficult the process is. I no longer show any motivation because I cannot change what people saw while I was stuck in the sap. Never again will my colorful wings offset the carnage of my marriage. I live life for everyone to see.
In modern terms, I become useless to my spouse and a lawyer gets involved to make sure that I get to keep my part of the cocoon. Everything splits and I now realize that I will have to start the process all over again. From caterpillar to butterfly, maybe I will get screwed and end up a moth. The point is, when divorce becomes a common term in your own marriage, things are falling apart from the inside. No mediator or counselor will ever be able to charge you enough to fix your problems. You must deal with them and apply what you have learned. If you are in my shoes, you realize that it’s all over and you may have made a mistake. I have no idea if I made a mistake, but I will tell you this: I am a human and I am prone to misleading myself.
If my marriage does end in divorce, I hope that twenty years from now when I see my ex-wife doing well that I can still say we had a good four years.