She's Gone

There are moments in life where the sadness and shear scope of the moment over come me. That moment has been building for a while now, and the worst of it descended on another path down the mountain. I have to keep going up the mountain.

That mountain is life. The part that descended was a girl. That girl was beautiful. Her personality, long hair, beautiful body and wonderful outlook on the world. She was everything that I wanted to be around. Every time I saw her, I would smile. Every time she wasn't where I thought she would be, I felt as if a little something was missing.

I felt we had a bond. Our time starts when I first met her at work. I have her first emails inviting me to join the company. She was happy to see me, and always reminded me to not burn out. She wanted me to stick around. I felt happy around her.

Then our company had a trip. We went to Europe. During this time I thought our friendship would be affirmed. I thought we would have a deep friendship that could be outside of work. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but in a way that our understanding, or at least my interpretation, would not be confined to labor. During our trip to Europe that didn't happen. I felt avoided and simply left alone. I realized that this friendship was not what I thought. I came back with a deeper sense that nothing would transpire into a budding and loving friendship. I gave up on her.

But the summer came, and I slowly forgot this feeling I gained in Europe. We became what I thought we were before the trip. This time it was through walks. Long walks while trying to stay in shape. Not just the two of us, but many in the company. We would have laughs and think about the simple things. One time she uttered that she didn't want to end up spending her whole life at this job, but wasn't sure what else she wanted to do. I forgot, as I'm sure she did. Our lives went on and I felt we had become deep friends again.

All of the old wounds had healed from that trip.

Then came December. The words she uttered earlier in the summer came to fruition. She decided her time had ended. The news hit me like a ton of bricks. This time it wasn't me pulling away, but her taking a whole different path. I don't have the opportunity anymore to step away or to pull back.

She's gone.

So now I'm left with the memories. Our lives in a snow globe and what was actually going on. It hurts. It's painful to lose a friend. I just wanted to be close friends. Nothing more, nothing less. What I got was heartbreak. The kind when my best friend moved away. We had become best friends.

I felt I was close to this again. I was wrong. I hope no one but me ever reads this, because the pain is real. I love you KH. I love you....